混淆_2009.....

Mix-up or being lost due to too many choices, known/unknown external factors or possibly one’s ignorance and lack of knowledge. Mix-up or confusion is akin to a sudden regain of consciousness on a midday nap; a state where mind and body still stuck between reality and delusion.

混淆是因为太多选择而不知所措，也可能是未知、已知的外来因素的侵入所造成，或自己的无知及欠缺知识而彷徨的原故。混淆就如午睡苏醒的那一刻，脑里挣扎着梦境与现实重叠景象，过后想爬起来，身体却不听使唤的那个过程。

CHNG CHIN KANG is the name on my birth certificate but there is no Chinese name. It was my primary one teacher who determined the Chinese name 庄青刚; a name attained from my mother’s Fujian pronunciation. However, on a trip to the cemetery, we found out that the name engraved on our grandmother’s tomb is 庄清江. Trusting that both last names in Fujian sound alike; it is the only rational explanation to my teacher conferring me the name I’m still using.

我的报生纸上的英文名字叫CHNG CHIN KANG，没有中文名字。中文名字叫庄青刚，是小一老师从母亲的福建话发音翻译过来的。然而有一天到墓地扫墓，发现刻着的庄清江才是阿嬷给我的正确名字。相信两个名字的方言发音相同，难怪老师会给予我如今仍然应用着的名字。小时候另一件费解的是自己的姓氏;我和其他三个家庭成员的姓与父亲的不同。

Another mix-up is associated to our surname; my 3 other siblings and I share a surname which is different from our father’s. We are from Fujian Jinmen; our surname should be CHNG. However, my 6 other brothers and sisters as well as our father have the surname CHENG, which is a Chaozhou pinyin or pronunciation for 庄. Nevertheless, up till now, none of us intend to correct the mistake on our identity cards; in any case accuracy of father and son blood relation is undeniable.

阿公是福建金门岛南来的福建人，故以闽南语发音的CHNG 才算正确，而其他兄弟姐妹及父亲的CHENG 应该是潮州人的拼音法。不过，直到如今我们都没有更改身份证上的错误，反正父子关系的正确性是肯定的。

I grew up happily in a below average educated community. Like most Chinese families do, we enshrine and worship the traditional Taoist deities or divinities such as the Great Uncle of Heaven (大伯公), the Goddess of Mercy (观音), and so on. The many festivities for the gods as well as weddings and heart-rending funerals that were conducted in the open space outside our house have accompanied me through my growing stages. However, these amusing, weird and wonderful events during my childhood days seemed idiotic, tiresome and bizarre when I’m much older.

我在一个平均教育水平较低的社区里快乐的长大。大多数华族家庭都供奉着传统的道教神像如大伯公、观音（佛祖）等。经常期待屋外那些神诞的庆典及红白事，除了把主角当偶像，棚子内色彩斑斓的装饰和那些不知名的图片雕像也深深吸引着我们。但这些小时候觉得新奇及兴奋的事情渐渐地在我长大后觉得它们的无聊，甚至荒诞。

Soon, one after another, two of my older brothers and a younger sister converted to Christianity. One brother had once served as a medium to the deities. I believe that all these had been a great blow to our mother who had only acknowledged her traditional deities in her whole life. Things got even more knotty when my brothers rejected all the food that had been consecrated to the deities. I can only say that people will change with each passing day, as well as with the changes in the environment around them. Soon after,I too became a vegetarian and do not eat the meat dish prepared by our mother. Mother must have been saddened as I happened to be the one among her ten children who would gobble up all the remnants of her cooking.

两个哥哥及妹妹也信起耶稣基督来了（其中一个哥哥还当过乩童）。这对于一世人只相信一种神明的母亲来说应该是难以接受的，由其是哥哥不吃母亲准备来供奉神明的食物。事物日新月异，我只能说人们会随周遭环境变化而改变，因为较后自己也让母亲失望过。那时我开始茹素而不吃母亲烹调的荤菜，偏巧我是那个每天帮忙把食物吃完的那个人。

I opted to work abroad not long after I begin working; it’s inevitable to have cause much worries to my family members, but I have never regretted. It was the most rewarding voyage; it has facilitated the growth of knowledge and vision and the opportunities to experience the differences in scenery and condition compared to my hometown. Many a times, Many a I felt as if I was in a dreamland amidst the snow gleam white world of winter. In Europe and America, the differences in time zones are simply marvelous and intriguing. What's more, though my wife and I were separated by twelve hours in time differences, we were joined via the same moon during our jog; one at 5pm in the hard winter of Vermont, the other at 5am in the rainy Singapore; this was indeed an amazing and heart-warming occurrences.

出来工作后不久，我便义无反顾地选择到国外工作。家人担心及思念在所难免，但我从未后悔过，因为收获是知识及视野的增长，见识了许多异地有，家乡无的景致及事物。就说白雪皑皑的世界，那里简直是梦境啊！后来到欧美感受时差的奇妙，东西半球的日夜颠倒。还有我和妻子在时差十二小时的两地见到同一个月亮而惊讶却也温馨;在 5pm正处于严冬的美国东岸, 及5am正处于雨季的新加坡，我们跑步时抬头望着同一个月亮？

At about 30 years old, I was diagnosed with cancer and had to undergo two surgical operations and a course of radiotherapy treatment; the innumerable subsequent visits to doctors honestly have me ponder a lot on the rigorous test in life. However, I believed that my anguish would pale into insignificance if compared to what our mother had gone through. Our mother had given birth to 10 children; had several surgical operations in her middle age; a sufferer of dementia and wheelchair bound in her old age. All this along with other minor illnesses, mother had been in and out of the hospital rather often. I believe no one likes being sick, being admitted to hospital or being placed on the operating table. Nevertheless, it’s not easy for bystanders to figure out the confused, blurry feelings and the state soon after one had been injected with anesthetics. The ironies are these experiences aid one to enrich his/her life; it also helps one to be more tolerant and open-minded.

三十岁左右，因为患癌而动过两次手术，电疗以及无数次的复诊让我接受了生命中的一次严峻考验。但倘若与母亲比较如同小巫见大巫。母亲在竹脚医院前后生了十个小孩，中年患病动过十几次手术，接着是老人痴呆及伴随而来的轮椅。这一切再加上其它小病及看诊便明白母亲进出医院的频繁。谁喜欢患病住院或上手术台开刀呢？外人难以体会麻醉药进入血管后那种迷糊感觉。讽刺的是这些多数人不想要的经验，确实能让自己更豁达看得开。

The demise of our parent also made me realize that life is variable. However, it’s still difficult to acknowledge the sudden death of any lifetime acquaintances and to accept that she would soon be cremated. This made me ill and uncomfortable at heart, and also ponder on where had the dead gone? I’m also constantly thinking about the meaning in life and its significance; perhaps many may advocate religious conviction during his/her life; perhaps life has no significance. We started from scratch, gradually become more complex and then back to zero again in the end.

父母亲的相继过世让我体会到人生无常，而往生者也不知去了哪里？然而叫我难以接受的是看着一个与我生活了半辈子的人突然间冷冰冰地躺在床上，不久后便得推进火炉里火化，感知中的大部分是空空的甚是难受。 我无时无刻不在思考着生命的意义，也许人们已在宗教里找到自己生存的意义？或许生命本来就没什么意义可言; 我们由零开始，逐渐增加并复杂化，但到头来又回到零等值。