睹物思人。。。

“睹物思人”

黑猫的过世带给我极度的沮丧，这种感觉就像父母亲离开时一样难受。黑猫身上的温暖依然在我手心，只是四面白墙再也没有黑黑的行踪来做对比了。偶而回头，在熟悉的墙角会有黑黑趴着回应我的那个模样，双眼炯炯有神。

Hei Hei stayed with me and my family for about 7 years. We have to keep Heihei indoor as the creepy-crawly loved cuddle in his thick coat if he ever found his ways out of the house. Nevertheless, heihei always tried to sneak out because he loved to talk and explore. He makes friends with anyone that walked past our door; heihei was, of course, the king among my 4 cats.

My wife cried hard that day when heihei died; we didn’t realize he was that frail…he was still playful and pee on the bathmat now and then.

Now, he’s just not around anymore; really find it hard not to think of him…..

门口。。。

“门口”

我们以屋子的客厅为中心，总说入睡房进厨房等等，唯独途经大门说成出门。然而，这个逻辑家猫们不懂，可能视大门外头为另一个更大的房间，经常会伺机跑‘进’去，好奇地四处嗅吸搜索然后再倒地磨蹭以便留下其体味。

大门里外给予我的感觉是休息对活动，或说简单对繁复，抑或者是内心对上外在。出门时总是将内在外在装备起来，回家后一越过门槛装备便逐一卸下，恢复原状。

当父母还健在的时候，母亲经常立于铁门后遥望远处，似等待儿女回家然而其真正原因却是她下肢已大不如前，出门时必须由家人搀扶。每回从父母亲那儿或步行或骑脚车回家途中总要回头望向门口，看看父亲在屋里往门外探头的剪影。

以前住羽球馆旁松巷的旧屋时，前后门都没装铁门, 除了深夜，平时两道门多数是敞开的，邻居、小孩、猫儿以及鸡只都能自由出入。大门的最大作用就只限于晚间最后一个人将之关上，以便安心就寝。白天门框上有人坐着干活，还是站着话家常，或者斜靠着做白日梦。每天的芝麻绿豆、红白喜事都在门前上演, 那是我小时候观察人生、塑造性格的地方。

倘若当时的门户敞开叫着放任，如今的铁门深锁便可视为极度的约束了。以前猫儿和小孩一样在屋里屋外四处戏耍着，如今却被安全地眷养在房子的铁门内,如囚禁一样。自己偶尔站在铁门处眺望景致,却不知昔时母亲的思绪和我所想的是否一样?

Clearly, doors are just a way to get into rooms and/or out of a house. However, our cats never seem to get the picture; they possibly regard every back of a door be another space where they can explore and possess…

To me, the significance of “door” is about at rest versus at work; about simple against complex; about inner against outer thoughts… admittedly, every so often we screen our actual persona behind doors for we are convinced we are or would be vulnerable every time we venture out of the door…

Nevertheless, many things lure us outside the door. Many years ago, mother would often stand and looked into the distance behind those iron gate; maybe due to curiosity, maybe waiting for visitors due to loneliness for she needed support to move around as she could no longer come and go as she desire. I don’t usually spent a lot of time looking at doors, but during those days when they were still around, I would tried to keep my eyes on my parent’s door whenever I pass by hoping to catch father’s silhouette on the door.

Nowadays, it’s pretty normal for every house to install Iron Gate; doors and gates are often shut both in the day and night. It’s really been a long, long time where doors were only fastens for bedtime. It was fun having neighbors, children, cats and chickens moving freely in and out of doors. It’s also a pleasure having people day dreaming, chatting or just leaning against the doors. In fact, it is through the happenings at these doors that help shape my persona and outlook on life…

Having said all that, if it’s taking a laissez-faire attitude to leave the door and gates open; it is extreme restriction to bolt ourselves behind doors. In my younger days, cat and children ramble without restraint outside the house most of the time; now, they are raised inside to have a much safer, healthier life though may be akin to be chained behind bars…..

去留

“去留”

每年执教的美术班学生少说也有十多班，每每大家已有相当默契的时候课程便接近尾声， 结束的那一天对于已熟记名字的学生们我会有点不舍。这种体验一年有无数次，周而复始地持续了十来年，情感上确实有点疲惫。

People come and people go; that may be sad, but that’s a plain fact of human relationship. Have been teaching western painting for many years and each year, I see more than 10 classes of both young and adult students. Often when we have a considerable understanding of each other such as be acquainted with people you identify with and your frequency matches so well and that you are comfortable sharing your thoughts with them; it’s near the end of the course. On the last day, bracing myself for all the hellos and goodbye’s can be difficult even though that someone may have stayed in my lives for just a few weeks. Well, I’m truly a little exhausted emotionally after been subjected to this never ending series of “goodbyes” several times a year in the last 10 years…

年轻时当兵做全副武装的障碍赛测验，矮小的同志在眼前摔倒，哀叫声让我停下并准备去拉他一把，可是军士长严肃地大声驱赶着要我继续前进。我只好留下面带痛苦、趴在原地的他，但他那期求的眼神叫我难忘。

Sometimes circumstances can create an inevitable rift between intention and reality. I remembered in one of our obstacle test during days in the army; I felt awful and I’m prepared to give a tug to the comrade who’s shorter and slighter in figure that tumble and fell in front of me। However, the warrant officer sternly drives me to move on. I have to leave but I will never forget the pleading look on the young man….

记得有一回，从父母那儿欲回咫尺之遥的自己家里，母亲突然杀出一句叫我多呆一会儿的一句话，让我没时间回家办事。。。这沉重的记忆偶尔触碰我，叫我感触良多，因为母亲已不在人世。

Losing my parents was the most devastating event of my life; nevertheless we move on but some memories never fade away …knowing I would not have time to handle matters but I could not defy mother’s plea for me to stay on longer whenever I visited my parents…

如今甚少与人有眼球接触，就是想避开这种感觉。。然而，在他人的道别声中却也能听出些许不舍，于是赶忙收拾心情再以轻松的语调说再见。

These days, I tried to avoid eye contact with anyone so I would not have a chance to hold on to anyone or anything….however, the goodbyes are still uncomfortable and they make me uneasy....

那天，在组屋楼下带回四只被遗弃的小猫，它们两黑两白、活泼可爱。由于屋子容不下全数，便赶紧上网让他人来领养小猫们。被领走一只时心里有点不舍，但由于对小猫还不是很熟络，故也没那般失落。但几天下来与猫儿相处并开始认识它们各别的性格后，我们竟然反悔不回复有兴趣者的来电，决定将三只小猫留下来，看看它们的成长。

Life throws surprises at us, good and bad; it’s all in how we take them …that day, we found four abandoned kittens; two black two white, extremely lively and adorable. Right away, we put up an adoption ad in the internet as our unit are really too small to keep all four. When one of the kitty was taken, it does hurt but at the same time we are happy the kitty found a good home. Now, the other three kittens continue to live with us for they have already leave footprints in our heart and we can’t bear to see them go….