卖画杂感。。。。。

年头画毕八幅油画，想办个人画展，经过些许波折画廊老板终于答应今年五月帮我办展，可说难能可贵。办展原意就为卖画，自己人脉不广，故只好找商业画廊当代理。由于长时间把精力耗在教课，对于出售作品的细节毫无头绪，与画廊老板再三协议后便让他帮忙标价。

起初心里有点难受，毕竟每幅作品布满五十个钟头的天马行空和红黄蓝绿白。画画是种享受，黑夜白昼地酝酿只有过来人方能体会，确实难以着墨。想想若有人欣赏自己的作品并愿意付出相当数目的价钱来收藏，那也何尝不是件令人雀跃的事。不过许多艺术工作者视艺术如生命，多数排斥以金钱来谈论艺术作品，那是对艺术的基本尊重。以往没想过以卖画为生

, 是不想被市场牵鼻子走，故宁可教画也不热衷于卖画。几年下来画作越积越多，家里堆积的百余幅画作有时被视同累赘，有点碍眼。几次迁居确实累人，每回总得毁掉几幅不再满意的作品,以便换取更多空间。去年大屋易小屋, 为了不再破坏自己的心血，毅然将两个系列共二十一幅画作捐给母校南洋艺术学院。无奈家里空间仍然有限，老是为储画空间头痛。

经常有学生想了解当全职画家及卖画等问题，在分享办展的经验中惊觉近年少有作品，确实有点心虚。近来开始寻思教学生涯还能带来多少题材？如何能使枯燥的生活再激起涟漪？

这回最新系列的作品在半年内诞生，心里有了卖画为生的念头，这可是新的体验！只是想归想，要实现这理想应该还有点距离。大伙关心卖几幅画卖了几多钱？这已然不是敏感问题，故能对答自如。虽说轻松看待售画成绩，却难忘顾客的一再减价，开口减百分之二十者大有人在，何况老板先前已把价钱压低不少。幸好此事仅属业余性质，不等它来开饭。将其视为学习过程，并希望观众能细读伴随画作的每一篇文章，那是近年来对生活的感想。画展结束那天共卖了三幅画作，若当成职业，四分之一的售出并不算理想。今天到画廊结帐，并拿回老板觉得没可能交易的作品

。留了四幅较有希望被欣赏的画作在画廊，回家继续画画。

青刚 7-6-2010

睹物思人。。。

“睹物思人”

黑猫的过世带给我极度的沮丧，这种感觉就像父母亲离开时一样难受。黑猫身上的温暖依然在我手心，只是四面白墙再也没有黑黑的行踪来做对比了。偶而回头，在熟悉的墙角会有黑黑趴着回应我的那个模样，双眼炯炯有神。

Hei Hei stayed with me and my family for about 7 years. We have to keep Heihei indoor as the creepy-crawly loved cuddle in his thick coat if he ever found his ways out of the house. Nevertheless, heihei always tried to sneak out because he loved to talk and explore. He makes friends with anyone that walked past our door; heihei was, of course, the king among my 4 cats.

My wife cried hard that day when heihei died; we didn’t realize he was that frail…he was still playful and pee on the bathmat now and then.

Now, he’s just not around anymore; really find it hard not to think of him…..

门口。。。

“门口”

我们以屋子的客厅为中心，总说入睡房进厨房等等，唯独途经大门说成出门。然而，这个逻辑家猫们不懂，可能视大门外头为另一个更大的房间，经常会伺机跑‘进’去，好奇地四处嗅吸搜索然后再倒地磨蹭以便留下其体味。

大门里外给予我的感觉是休息对活动，或说简单对繁复，抑或者是内心对上外在。出门时总是将内在外在装备起来，回家后一越过门槛装备便逐一卸下，恢复原状。

当父母还健在的时候，母亲经常立于铁门后遥望远处，似等待儿女回家然而其真正原因却是她下肢已大不如前，出门时必须由家人搀扶。每回从父母亲那儿或步行或骑脚车回家途中总要回头望向门口，看看父亲在屋里往门外探头的剪影。

以前住羽球馆旁松巷的旧屋时，前后门都没装铁门, 除了深夜，平时两道门多数是敞开的，邻居、小孩、猫儿以及鸡只都能自由出入。大门的最大作用就只限于晚间最后一个人将之关上，以便安心就寝。白天门框上有人坐着干活，还是站着话家常，或者斜靠着做白日梦。每天的芝麻绿豆、红白喜事都在门前上演, 那是我小时候观察人生、塑造性格的地方。

倘若当时的门户敞开叫着放任，如今的铁门深锁便可视为极度的约束了。以前猫儿和小孩一样在屋里屋外四处戏耍着，如今却被安全地眷养在房子的铁门内,如囚禁一样。自己偶尔站在铁门处眺望景致,却不知昔时母亲的思绪和我所想的是否一样?

Clearly, doors are just a way to get into rooms and/or out of a house. However, our cats never seem to get the picture; they possibly regard every back of a door be another space where they can explore and possess…

To me, the significance of “door” is about at rest versus at work; about simple against complex; about inner against outer thoughts… admittedly, every so often we screen our actual persona behind doors for we are convinced we are or would be vulnerable every time we venture out of the door…

Nevertheless, many things lure us outside the door. Many years ago, mother would often stand and looked into the distance behind those iron gate; maybe due to curiosity, maybe waiting for visitors due to loneliness for she needed support to move around as she could no longer come and go as she desire. I don’t usually spent a lot of time looking at doors, but during those days when they were still around, I would tried to keep my eyes on my parent’s door whenever I pass by hoping to catch father’s silhouette on the door.

Nowadays, it’s pretty normal for every house to install Iron Gate; doors and gates are often shut both in the day and night. It’s really been a long, long time where doors were only fastens for bedtime. It was fun having neighbors, children, cats and chickens moving freely in and out of doors. It’s also a pleasure having people day dreaming, chatting or just leaning against the doors. In fact, it is through the happenings at these doors that help shape my persona and outlook on life…

Having said all that, if it’s taking a laissez-faire attitude to leave the door and gates open; it is extreme restriction to bolt ourselves behind doors. In my younger days, cat and children ramble without restraint outside the house most of the time; now, they are raised inside to have a much safer, healthier life though may be akin to be chained behind bars…..

去留

“去留”

每年执教的美术班学生少说也有十多班，每每大家已有相当默契的时候课程便接近尾声， 结束的那一天对于已熟记名字的学生们我会有点不舍。这种体验一年有无数次，周而复始地持续了十来年，情感上确实有点疲惫。

People come and people go; that may be sad, but that’s a plain fact of human relationship. Have been teaching western painting for many years and each year, I see more than 10 classes of both young and adult students. Often when we have a considerable understanding of each other such as be acquainted with people you identify with and your frequency matches so well and that you are comfortable sharing your thoughts with them; it’s near the end of the course. On the last day, bracing myself for all the hellos and goodbye’s can be difficult even though that someone may have stayed in my lives for just a few weeks. Well, I’m truly a little exhausted emotionally after been subjected to this never ending series of “goodbyes” several times a year in the last 10 years…

年轻时当兵做全副武装的障碍赛测验，矮小的同志在眼前摔倒，哀叫声让我停下并准备去拉他一把，可是军士长严肃地大声驱赶着要我继续前进。我只好留下面带痛苦、趴在原地的他，但他那期求的眼神叫我难忘。

Sometimes circumstances can create an inevitable rift between intention and reality. I remembered in one of our obstacle test during days in the army; I felt awful and I’m prepared to give a tug to the comrade who’s shorter and slighter in figure that tumble and fell in front of me। However, the warrant officer sternly drives me to move on. I have to leave but I will never forget the pleading look on the young man….

记得有一回，从父母那儿欲回咫尺之遥的自己家里，母亲突然杀出一句叫我多呆一会儿的一句话，让我没时间回家办事。。。这沉重的记忆偶尔触碰我，叫我感触良多，因为母亲已不在人世。

Losing my parents was the most devastating event of my life; nevertheless we move on but some memories never fade away …knowing I would not have time to handle matters but I could not defy mother’s plea for me to stay on longer whenever I visited my parents…

如今甚少与人有眼球接触，就是想避开这种感觉。。然而，在他人的道别声中却也能听出些许不舍，于是赶忙收拾心情再以轻松的语调说再见。

These days, I tried to avoid eye contact with anyone so I would not have a chance to hold on to anyone or anything….however, the goodbyes are still uncomfortable and they make me uneasy....

那天，在组屋楼下带回四只被遗弃的小猫，它们两黑两白、活泼可爱。由于屋子容不下全数，便赶紧上网让他人来领养小猫们。被领走一只时心里有点不舍，但由于对小猫还不是很熟络，故也没那般失落。但几天下来与猫儿相处并开始认识它们各别的性格后，我们竟然反悔不回复有兴趣者的来电，决定将三只小猫留下来，看看它们的成长。

Life throws surprises at us, good and bad; it’s all in how we take them …that day, we found four abandoned kittens; two black two white, extremely lively and adorable. Right away, we put up an adoption ad in the internet as our unit are really too small to keep all four. When one of the kitty was taken, it does hurt but at the same time we are happy the kitty found a good home. Now, the other three kittens continue to live with us for they have already leave footprints in our heart and we can’t bear to see them go….

回忆一九九一东岳行 。。。

东岳行.....

I have a passion for travel; a couple of years ago, I was alone working in Beijing and at a bit of a loose end during the season break, I blissfully scale Mt Taishan, one of the five sacred mountains, located in the central of Shandong Province…..

是缘分，终于能见识泰山，身在其中是何等的渺小，那是两年前一次有意的偶然。

舒适的宾馆，出租车，还有特殊的“老外”身分，使我在受宠若惊之余越渐变质。这改变实在有忤于我本身想接触朴实无华，乡土风味的心愿，确实惭愧。没有赤子般心境的“老外”，我用外汇卷换了张硬席车票。没有依依不舍的挥别，所以心凉如水，任其飘逸。贪婪的他们会喧宾夺主地与您分享您的座位。咱们是同志嘛！

深夜里的黄河还是黄河，就是看不见。车上的人的人是否都喝过黄河水呢？我没有。

泰安火车站外尽是旅游车，出租车，小招待所的伙计们在拉客，每一趟班车抵达后都会出现讨价还价的宾主。在这凉冷的春晓日子，又是劳动者的假期。劳动节具有什么意义又是为谁设立我不得而知，重要的是游客和当地人都很开心。金光闪闪的太阳已冉冉上升，并展露与人们一样灿烂的笑容。

没带山东口音的我是陌生的过路客，但却有着一样的黑头发和黄皮肤。我没选择乘缆车上山就如我不屑于梯级旁所兜售的茶叶蛋。上山途中，看到地处好位置的石壁上都雕刻了不同字体的名言诗句，几乎再也找不到未经雕字的石块。我沿着这些大作依样的念着咏着吟着。当然有些字体或文字对我来说是一知半解，甚至不知所云。不禁感叹，如毛泽东，郭沫若等会有几个真正的知音呢？但愿不是每个人都象我一样，忙着日后看的相片而频频按快门，却忘了亲身体会它们，感受它们。随处可见想把风景占为己有的游客，他们把脸部拍得比山头还大。

岂知，在天气还没转暖之前，山中到处是一片萧琴，只能够在山谷中的水溪旁见到一些野菊花和些许不知名的花儿。反之，层层叠叠的峭壁却让人感到山峦的险峻巍峨，煞是壮观。我融入人群中，拍照又行路，行路又拍照，与其他人互相追逐着，有时也不知不觉地停下来，愣在四周的巧石青松间，直到喧嚣声把我唤醒。

最叫我敬佩的竟是几个耋耄妇人，虽没健步如飞但也不露喘吁之态，该是热爱祖国山河的勇气所支撑吧？河山为劳动人民制造了无数赖以糊口的活儿；为了生活得更好的挑夫，不得不肩挑担子拾级与长长的石梯上----十八盘。从我身边过了一个又一个，他们不住地平衡木杆两端的酒瓶，木炭甚至是砌墙用的`砖块，都是换取生活的饭菜。是大自然给予人类挑战抑或是人类挑战大自然？于是我觉得背着的行囊轻了许多，我跟周围的人们呼吸着同样的空气，相比之下，挑夫的呼吸声最响。

南天门是十八盘的终点。坐在门牌下我向下望去，黑压压钻动的人头是一幅伏尔加船夫曲的嘿嘿唷呵；苦尽甘来露出仿佛心满意足的微笑。从山上回望那些宛若游龙，崎岖陡峭的山路是满足的，虽然下肢已在半途开始发软。

我看见一个小姑娘驮着储冰条的方形箱子，正吃力地蹒跚着爬上来。我喜欢正在努力的她们，也明白她们为什么会在劳动节付出劳力。我不等她休息，成了她的第一个顾客，那带着汗滴的笑脸好比月亮一样的皓洁。

我茫然地在山上胡窜着，总希望一眼望尽所有佳景，因此瞬间便谋杀了整卷菲林，但却始终没把我自己置入镜头里。

我在天街附近找到了间旅舍，窄小的房间却挤着八个人。大伙儿能在这里相聚也算有缘。其中有个姓毛的山东人，给了我几张山东市粮票留念，我也赠予他一元新币，后来他还硬要了妻子送我的原子笔。老觉得上了年纪的他与同龄的中国大陆人都有些许语无论次的压抑和抱怨；他是会计师，儿女都已长大成人，我们有着一夜之交的友谊。

寂静的夜里，寒气侵入了窗户紧闭的小屋，钻进那看似温暖的棉被和好几层的衣服，直袭肉躯，痛是唯一的感觉。当然，今夜是难眠的。。。。。。不觉四周开始热闹起来，但外头仍是黑不溜秋。看日出当然是在黑暗中等待太阳。洗刷后，步出屋外，朦胧中已见人群处处。尾随着他们，在寒风肆行中我裹得圆鼓鼓的。

拱北石是看日出观云海的最佳点，当然早已被人们挤满了。山巅越来越多的人们都在等待日出，毕竟日出象征着某种希望的开始，人们总是爱明亮多过爱黑夜吧？

太阳终于出现了，火球于水平线上窥探着人群，愈亮愈大胆地升出脑袋来，半响已升到我们头上。我将山上熙熙攘攘，如过江之鲫的人群分组计算，大概有一万吧？这山顶可真够宽够广，能容如此多人。这里人多碑石也多，人来人往，人去碑还立，好几块石碑还是历代皇帝下诏书所竖。可是，登山者往往看到日出后便纷纷下山去，石上所刻云啥，似乎一点也不注意。

天空渐蓝，四周的雾气也快被朝阳蒸融了。我从小石块间抖擞立起，扫掉裤子上的沙尘，背好背包，加入象蚁群般营营于十八盘的队伍下山去，心里开始惦记，旅舍房里其实舒适温暖。

妆艺游行......

妆艺游行

Read somewhere that Chingay celebration has its origin in Penang, an island along the Western Coast of Peninsular Malaysia; it is an event to show-case another one of Malaysia’s many cultures and festivals…

On the eve of Christmas, year 2002, I happened to be in Penang and witnessed the Chingay procession made its way through busy street….

2002年的圣诞节除夕, 我碰巧来到槟榔屿。街角卖水果摊贩告知晚上有热闹看，晚饭后我便买了水煮花生，跟着大街两旁的群众一起凑热闹等待游行队伍。

隐隐约约的声响随着夜幕低垂而欢腾起来, 不一会便见到耍大旗者在眼前努力着. 大汉们使出浑身解数，耍起近三十米长书着国泰民安等的旗杆展示在大伙面前。由于无障碍围堵，故观众与表演者几乎是站在一块。我仿佛听到表演者的呼吸声还有他们挥洒的汗水，加上掺杂在旧街坑坑洼洼及排水道污水的难闻气味，让我手里及口中的花生香味相对失色。表演队伍还有杂耍,舞龙舞狮, 民族舞蹈甚至还有骑着三轮车穿戴华丽制服的团体,他们有次序地来到观众面前表演. 响彻云霄的锣鼓声此起彼落，观众也配合着屏息观赏眼前的一切。参与队伍的服饰，道具，设备及人力花车让人觉得落后，加上昏暗的街灯，当然不能与资源充足的妆艺大游行同日而语。

现场没有火树银花没有来自国外的参与者，连月亮也不知道躲到哪里去。然而在场的观众包括我都是全神贯注甚至一连追了几条街的支持着表演者，相信这应该是我见识过最原始最真诚的游行。在这里我见到道地的全民普天同庆，她无需耗费巨资，只要各族同胞的全情投入，便能把热闹的气氛搞起来。。。

三年后的同一天，我携妻重游故地欲找回当年的体验，但庆典已没有游行这项节目了。。。。。

随意

Let spontaneity be my guide; I decided to set off on an unplanned adventure to West Malaysia simply that I wanted to go on a elating journey……

On bus and a route, carefully budgeted each day, I put myself into known and unknown territory and find myself enjoying the adventure of discovery in Muar, Tangkat, Segamat, Gemas, Batu Enam, Buloh Kasap, Kuala Lumpur, Seremban and Malacca….....

那天我想远行，于是便买了往麻坡的车票独自出发，有目的的开始了毫无目的及目标的旅程。我脑子想着悠闲，随性，体验，无时限，不完美并避免有计划，有效率，不耐烦及诅咒等现象的出现。但上车不久便开始看着手表，因为已习惯观察车程的时限甚至途中车长停车休息的时间及地点也了如指掌。于是便将手表藏起，望着窗外一闪即逝的景观。

抵达麻坡后，我没急着找酒店，而是在街上溜达后才甘愿租房子住。我从麻坡桥往马六甲海峡方向沿河边走，四处尽是马来人，有三三两两也有一家大小。夜市摆摊的还多过顾客，海峡水平线上的日落被云朵遮掩，天色渐沉时回教堂便开始传送可兰经。。。隔天起早，就因为房间底下的劳作声，于是便摸黑到麻坡桥上等待日出。早点多为速食，失望着草草地用完早餐，并开始翻看地图寻找另一目的地。原想便捷点舍小镇到大都市去，最后终于在地图中选择毫不起眼的东甲。东甲有的是布匹店，店家走道上悬挂着许多色彩斑斓的花布，由于吊得低走过的行人有如被无数的毛巾擦过脸一样，冰凉得很。我只在那儿呆了一小时，在拐弯的小巷中遇见两个流氓，还好装傻避过危机。

在往昔加末途中见到久违的金山，山顶罩着一团雾叫人遐思。个把钟头后巴士驶入已面目全非的巴士站，毕竟已十多年没来，当局的用心整顿让我找不到昔日的熟悉。吃了顿丰富的午餐后便直奔火车站，车站内一切如昔了却我寻觅回忆的些许慰藉。在烈日下不过半天的时间，我已经汗流浃背，干透后汗水复又畅流着。峇督安南及巫罗加什应该是我不会重游的地方。在巫罗加什一个没有亭子的车站等巴士，树荫底下的沥青路上撒满干果爆破的籽及包裹它们的核，车辆都在它们上面碾过。巴士匍匐着只应前方修路，司机小心是天经地义的。

熟悉的金马士火车站是西马火车路线最重要的枢纽，它是唯一衔接南北路线与东海岸的驿站。我突然想搭乘火车便决定付双倍价钱买票到芙蓉，怎知火车却迟到两个钟头。本来兴奋的心情都被漫长的等待给浇熄了，耐心的员工对着失望的搭客不知重复了多少回火车平时有多准时的解释。临近芙蓉车站时我决定补票到吉隆坡，将票据连同五元马币交给服务员。晚上近十点抵达马来西亚首都吉隆坡，在茨厂街摊贩陆续打烊时就近找了住宿。房间有三张床多得可容纳五，六个人，在房里致电回家及果腹后倒头入睡。早上穿梭在不熟悉的弄巷当晨运，进入酒店餐厅欲尝试吃霸王餐却临阵退缩。

后来我还是去了芙蓉镇，在镇上走了一大圈并沿途吃了个素包子，耗了两个钟头后便南下马六甲。三天下来少说也走了三，四十公里，以至下肢各处关节已疼痛不堪。不知是否由于疲累而在转角处差点被车撞，马来女司机瞪大着双眼，看来是受惊多过气愤？是晚在古城湿热的房里心神恍惚，连塑料袋的窸窣声也让我发毛。虽说有大街照射进来的灯光及咆哮而过的机车声，我还是疑神疑鬼，耗了一会功夫方才睡着。。。

清晨，在静谧的古城街道散步，除了7-Eleven一夜没睡其他人还未开始活动。我还是独自步行了五个钟头，寄了张明信片后搭乘下午一点的巴士回狮城以结束行程。

向导。。。

" 向导"
父亲大我四十岁，皮肤黝黑得酷似马来半岛的原住民，那是他大半生靠海讨生活的岁月中阳光给他漆上的古铜色。壮年时东奔西走地劳动着以养活一家大小十二口，父亲给我们的印象是正面的，故兄弟姐妹们都十分尊敬他。父亲离世时我们都非常不舍，因为再不能孝敬他了。。。心中有幅未完成的构图：父亲立于船首，严肃并细心地引领大伙逆流而行。

My late father, 40 years my senior, has had the living image of the natives in peninsular Malaysia owing to his dark complexion – a memento of half a lifetime running as a seaman. We have a high regards for our father as it was due to his unwavered determination and correct principles that our family of twelve are not lack of food.

To this day, I still mull over father though he’s long gone; I have an unfinished composition of a painting where our father standing in the bow, conscientiously and carefully piloting and gliding a boat that holds his family, steadily sailing against the current....

"享乐"
有一阵子，我沉迷于跑步运动，经常绕跑道及公路转圈圈，或长三小时或短半小时。眼前只有个目标就是跑个三小时半的马拉松。于是自定了个简单的训练表，有时白天 偶而夜里，有时快跑有时慢跑地努力着。没几个月便看到些许成绩，叫我信心倍增好像年轻了二十岁。除了工作及休息，其余时间都在锻炼身体，脚累了便骑脚车，再来是游泳，游累了还闭起眼睛继续着。我小心着循序渐进地朝向目标前进，但身体开始响起警钟;从头晕到胸口闷，腰酸到脚后跟刺痛。有一回跑完了十公里后尿不自禁地从双腿流下，和聚满汗水的衣裤附和着。最糟的情况终于发生了，与妻子慢跑时在停顿的当儿脑袋一片乌黑。。。醒来时已被妻子扶坐起来，刹那感觉晕眩并担心怎么跑回家。。。于是，享受跑步的日子便从此结束。

I enjoyed running and for a while, I have abandon myself to running both on the stadium track and on the road that would stretched from thirty minutes to three hours. My goal was to run a marathon in three hours and thirty minutes. Thereupon, I worked hard, sometimes in the day, sometimes at night, sometimes fast, sometimes a slow jog. Before long, I saw results; I felt 20 years younger both emotionally and bodily. I expected I’m not far from reaching my goal if I keep on with my training rota. Therefore, I’m either running, cycling and swimming if I’m not at work or on bed.

I thought I have proceeded carefully and systematically but I have often disregarded and habitually overworked my body; swim with closed eyes even though I’m dreadfully worn-out. Before long, my body started to protest - from dizziness and nausea to chest tightness, from backache to swelling and stabbing pain in the heel. Once, I wetted (urinated onto) my shorts after finishing a 10 kilometres run. On another occasion, I fainted following a ten minutes slow jog and might have lost my life if I have been crossing the street. Thinking back now, though I was still in a daze, I worried on how to run home the instant I regained consciousness. Anyway, gone are the days where I could abandon myself to running.

"晚年"

Growing old is miserable and loneliness comes to those who do not prepare for a good retirement. For years, mother committed herself to social gathering; talk to friends and gets comfort from visiting children and grandchild as well as relatives. Whilst father kept himself busily involved in every little thing that gets his attention…..

晚年是凄凉的, 期盼家人的陪伴, 只因眷恋过去, 抑或是身体不再利落. 遗憾的是故居已面目全非,仅存记忆.母亲的晚年围绕在组屋楼下的同伴和儿女们的嘘寒问暖. 父亲能移动的范围稍微远些, 搭同一号巴士找同一个理发师剪头发以及看看大哥一家人.

父亲只读过一年的书,但却能阅览中文报纸।每每在报章上见到关于美术的报道都会递给我看। 若当天有刊登我的画作或报道, 他会很兴奋地到处拿给人看. 相信他很欣慰有个当画家的儿子. 我也努力着并以他的为我骄傲来鞭策自己. 遗憾我未能教会他一些对艺术的认识,如教他书法等一些我还应付得来的事物, 毕竟他是第一个教我涂鸦的人, 也就是我的启蒙老师。。

…..

"维多利亚"

Flashback of childhood memory happens to me all the time; I remember father would often take us three brothers to town, in particular to the shoreline. At that time, Elizabeth walk was surrounded by deep-sea and no “Merlion” then….The stature outside Victoria Memorial hall (the current Victoria concert hall) was not painted in black; anyway, father did not tell us that’s Sir Stamford Raffles….

小时候父亲经常带我们兄弟仨到坡底逛，尤其沿海一带。那时的红灯码头外就只有海水 ，连鱼尾狮还未出现。由加冷河口，我们沿防浪堤上的围栏笔直地往纪念碑处走。我最喜欢在途中伸手往沿海的围栏底部抓海蟑螂，一把可逮上十来只。它与家里见到的蟑螂一般大小，不同的是身上有整齐的横线条，象穿上囚犯衣服。另一景点便是安德逊桥底下的圆筒地道，我兴奋地高喊尖叫，并来回地跑动以便制造有趣的回音。。。。豁然开朗的那一头的不远处便是维多利亚纪念堂。那时站在该处的雕像好象不是黑色的？反正父亲也没告诉我那是莱佛士雕像。。。。

"安顿"

Having spent over 20 years in Tampines, we decided to move on to the city as we both find it exhausting and time-consuming to travel up and down to city 7 days a week.

For both my wife and me, coping with city’s complex activities is definitely not that tough. For I’ve always aspire to reside in the city because I’m fond to be surrounded by lively and thrilling sight. Moreover, we can go on foot to Fort Canning, Jalan Besah, Little India, Kwang Im Thong Hood Chu Temple, Bugis shopping hub, Orchard road, etc…..

去年六月，我终于从东部的淡滨尼把家搬到市区来，大屋换小屋。过程有点匆促，看屋子后的隔天，我拉着妻子多看了一回便下定金签合同。

很早就觑觎在市区居住，那是因为喜欢热闹。外加工作场所近在咫尺，以及方便到艺术学院和美术馆，因此并未花费太多时间寻觅最理想的房子。我选择了实里基路组屋十三楼的一个单位，屋龄和我一样大，建于一九六三年，是新加坡最早的高楼政府租凭屋，也算是第一。

在这里，步行能及的地方还有皇家山，惹兰勿沙，小印度，四马路观音庙，武吉士商场，以及乌节路商业街等等。。。如此方便的环境里有好长一段日子无需搭车。在新居的首两个月里，老觉得好像住在酒店，心里总想着回淡滨尼老家。或许已在那里呆了二十年，需要时间将熟悉的记忆慢慢删除。抑或许是因为每回的旅行都在市区里找住宿，故总觉得这里与故地一样，方便得出奇。

就不知家猫美美及黒黑对于新居的想法。虽说它们甚少踏出大门，但毕竟还是来到了个新环境，怕生是肯定的。只是没想到黑黑可能不适应周遭，尤其前不久隔邻的工地噪音而犯病死了。

时间一晃而过，不适应的感觉逐渐淡化，对于市区的一切还是感到好奇，经常会刻意拐入不熟悉的巷弄，寻幽探密。至于老家，我还是惦念着，偶尔叹息。

"烟花"

It has been pretty normal for Singaporean to just watch lights of fireworks in the sky every New Year and was mostly so happy to see the magnificent fireworks brightening the sky; fireworks are beautiful works of art to admire when executed well......

元旦除夕有璀璨的烟花欣赏，人山人海的盛况也是另一个景观，大伙引颈静待随后欢呼喝彩，仿佛愿望已现，期盼这年会更好。

烟花像魔术能感染人们，望着泼向黑幕的红黄蓝绿，观者的情绪随着激动起来。烟花聚爆发力及美艳于一体，似变化多端的抽象画让人眼花缭乱。单色、协调色、对比色不停地替换，像互不相让的对手轮流着炫耀它们的艳丽。安德逊桥下的河面被映得像彩虹般的鸡尾酒，河水瞬间华丽起来。。。。

安德逊桥是观赏烟花的最佳地点之一，凡节庆如元旦、国庆、及大型运动会，那儿的走道必拥堵得水泄不通。当然，偶尔我也在电视直播观赏烟花这玩意儿，但总比不上到现场被旁人的兴奋、欢愉来感染自己的那种感觉。

有一回，陪好友到芽笼一带闲荡，从三十几巷步行往加冷地铁站。马路上的车龙川流不息，两旁横竖着雪亮的招牌，为做夜间生意的店铺招徕顾客。沿途所闻多为外国口音的路人，想必灯红酒绿的诱惑是冲着客工而来的。。。在十二巷的入口处，我见到了生平最难忘的烟花，就在花楼间乌黑的夜空，火树银花从南边体育场的方向喷发开来。顿时，街头巷尾竟是抬头发呆的行人，倏地车道上已挤满了人，都从屋里奔跑出来凑热闹。竟然在这个我不太能适应的地方见到欢愉、热闹、及轻松。

烟花带给我不只视觉上的享受，它还给予我美好的心情，因为它感染了所有的观赏者，再由观赏者反射到彼此身上而升华，这超越了只为个体赏心悦目的收获。

"点心"....

混淆_2009.....

Mix-up or being lost due to too many choices, known/unknown external factors or possibly one’s ignorance and lack of knowledge. Mix-up or confusion is akin to a sudden regain of consciousness on a midday nap; a state where mind and body still stuck between reality and delusion.

混淆是因为太多选择而不知所措，也可能是未知、已知的外来因素的侵入所造成，或自己的无知及欠缺知识而彷徨的原故。混淆就如午睡苏醒的那一刻，脑里挣扎着梦境与现实重叠景象，过后想爬起来，身体却不听使唤的那个过程。

CHNG CHIN KANG is the name on my birth certificate but there is no Chinese name. It was my primary one teacher who determined the Chinese name 庄青刚; a name attained from my mother’s Fujian pronunciation. However, on a trip to the cemetery, we found out that the name engraved on our grandmother’s tomb is 庄清江. Trusting that both last names in Fujian sound alike; it is the only rational explanation to my teacher conferring me the name I’m still using.

我的报生纸上的英文名字叫CHNG CHIN KANG，没有中文名字。中文名字叫庄青刚，是小一老师从母亲的福建话发音翻译过来的。然而有一天到墓地扫墓，发现刻着的庄清江才是阿嬷给我的正确名字。相信两个名字的方言发音相同，难怪老师会给予我如今仍然应用着的名字。小时候另一件费解的是自己的姓氏;我和其他三个家庭成员的姓与父亲的不同。

Another mix-up is associated to our surname; my 3 other siblings and I share a surname which is different from our father’s. We are from Fujian Jinmen; our surname should be CHNG. However, my 6 other brothers and sisters as well as our father have the surname CHENG, which is a Chaozhou pinyin or pronunciation for 庄. Nevertheless, up till now, none of us intend to correct the mistake on our identity cards; in any case accuracy of father and son blood relation is undeniable.

阿公是福建金门岛南来的福建人，故以闽南语发音的CHNG 才算正确，而其他兄弟姐妹及父亲的CHENG 应该是潮州人的拼音法。不过，直到如今我们都没有更改身份证上的错误，反正父子关系的正确性是肯定的。

I grew up happily in a below average educated community. Like most Chinese families do, we enshrine and worship the traditional Taoist deities or divinities such as the Great Uncle of Heaven (大伯公), the Goddess of Mercy (观音), and so on. The many festivities for the gods as well as weddings and heart-rending funerals that were conducted in the open space outside our house have accompanied me through my growing stages. However, these amusing, weird and wonderful events during my childhood days seemed idiotic, tiresome and bizarre when I’m much older.

我在一个平均教育水平较低的社区里快乐的长大。大多数华族家庭都供奉着传统的道教神像如大伯公、观音（佛祖）等。经常期待屋外那些神诞的庆典及红白事，除了把主角当偶像，棚子内色彩斑斓的装饰和那些不知名的图片雕像也深深吸引着我们。但这些小时候觉得新奇及兴奋的事情渐渐地在我长大后觉得它们的无聊，甚至荒诞。

Soon, one after another, two of my older brothers and a younger sister converted to Christianity. One brother had once served as a medium to the deities. I believe that all these had been a great blow to our mother who had only acknowledged her traditional deities in her whole life. Things got even more knotty when my brothers rejected all the food that had been consecrated to the deities. I can only say that people will change with each passing day, as well as with the changes in the environment around them. Soon after,I too became a vegetarian and do not eat the meat dish prepared by our mother. Mother must have been saddened as I happened to be the one among her ten children who would gobble up all the remnants of her cooking.

两个哥哥及妹妹也信起耶稣基督来了（其中一个哥哥还当过乩童）。这对于一世人只相信一种神明的母亲来说应该是难以接受的，由其是哥哥不吃母亲准备来供奉神明的食物。事物日新月异，我只能说人们会随周遭环境变化而改变，因为较后自己也让母亲失望过。那时我开始茹素而不吃母亲烹调的荤菜，偏巧我是那个每天帮忙把食物吃完的那个人。

I opted to work abroad not long after I begin working; it’s inevitable to have cause much worries to my family members, but I have never regretted. It was the most rewarding voyage; it has facilitated the growth of knowledge and vision and the opportunities to experience the differences in scenery and condition compared to my hometown. Many a times, Many a I felt as if I was in a dreamland amidst the snow gleam white world of winter. In Europe and America, the differences in time zones are simply marvelous and intriguing. What's more, though my wife and I were separated by twelve hours in time differences, we were joined via the same moon during our jog; one at 5pm in the hard winter of Vermont, the other at 5am in the rainy Singapore; this was indeed an amazing and heart-warming occurrences.

出来工作后不久，我便义无反顾地选择到国外工作。家人担心及思念在所难免，但我从未后悔过，因为收获是知识及视野的增长，见识了许多异地有，家乡无的景致及事物。就说白雪皑皑的世界，那里简直是梦境啊！后来到欧美感受时差的奇妙，东西半球的日夜颠倒。还有我和妻子在时差十二小时的两地见到同一个月亮而惊讶却也温馨;在 5pm正处于严冬的美国东岸, 及5am正处于雨季的新加坡，我们跑步时抬头望着同一个月亮？

At about 30 years old, I was diagnosed with cancer and had to undergo two surgical operations and a course of radiotherapy treatment; the innumerable subsequent visits to doctors honestly have me ponder a lot on the rigorous test in life. However, I believed that my anguish would pale into insignificance if compared to what our mother had gone through. Our mother had given birth to 10 children; had several surgical operations in her middle age; a sufferer of dementia and wheelchair bound in her old age. All this along with other minor illnesses, mother had been in and out of the hospital rather often. I believe no one likes being sick, being admitted to hospital or being placed on the operating table. Nevertheless, it’s not easy for bystanders to figure out the confused, blurry feelings and the state soon after one had been injected with anesthetics. The ironies are these experiences aid one to enrich his/her life; it also helps one to be more tolerant and open-minded.

三十岁左右，因为患癌而动过两次手术，电疗以及无数次的复诊让我接受了生命中的一次严峻考验。但倘若与母亲比较如同小巫见大巫。母亲在竹脚医院前后生了十个小孩，中年患病动过十几次手术，接着是老人痴呆及伴随而来的轮椅。这一切再加上其它小病及看诊便明白母亲进出医院的频繁。谁喜欢患病住院或上手术台开刀呢？外人难以体会麻醉药进入血管后那种迷糊感觉。讽刺的是这些多数人不想要的经验，确实能让自己更豁达看得开。

The demise of our parent also made me realize that life is variable. However, it’s still difficult to acknowledge the sudden death of any lifetime acquaintances and to accept that she would soon be cremated. This made me ill and uncomfortable at heart, and also ponder on where had the dead gone? I’m also constantly thinking about the meaning in life and its significance; perhaps many may advocate religious conviction during his/her life; perhaps life has no significance. We started from scratch, gradually become more complex and then back to zero again in the end.

父母亲的相继过世让我体会到人生无常，而往生者也不知去了哪里？然而叫我难以接受的是看着一个与我生活了半辈子的人突然间冷冰冰地躺在床上，不久后便得推进火炉里火化，感知中的大部分是空空的甚是难受。 我无时无刻不在思考着生命的意义，也许人们已在宗教里找到自己生存的意义？或许生命本来就没什么意义可言; 我们由零开始，逐渐增加并复杂化，但到头来又回到零等值。